someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
