Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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