How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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