Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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