Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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