So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize