just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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