remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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