New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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