I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
