the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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