bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
