Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
