i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
