His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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