i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
