Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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