Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
