You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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