My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
