Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
