what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
