I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
