I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
