mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Congratulations! We have a period
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