I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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