I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
