Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
