if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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