You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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