His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
