i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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