I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
