12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
