when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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