I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
