I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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