Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
