We're like a lot better than the average bears
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
