you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I supernannyed him into submission
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
