I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
