I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
