He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
