I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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