Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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