i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
