3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
