Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize