i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
