can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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