theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize