I cannot find my penis.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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