Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
