either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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