I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
