On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
