And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
be right there i have to get my cape
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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