he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
